Barnes & Ignoble

This morning, I visited a recently opened Barnes and Noble in my area. I've been waiting for a decent bookstore to open nearby for some time now. And, while saying that this store is both decent and nearby may be stretching the truth a bit, I'll take what I can get. Unfortunately,  I forgot that what I get with Barnes and Noble ain't all that much.

I've been spending a lot of mornings split between other over-priced, faux coffeeshop type places for a while now. Sometimes it's the bagel shop Panera, other times it may be this new place, Saxby's. But wherever it was, all of the places seemed to have a few things in common-- high prices, bad coffee, no fewer than two truly creepy people hanging around, and finally-- free wireless internet service. And no, I was not one of the creepy people. At least I don't think I was.

Anyhow-- I packed up my bag, and drove up to the brand-spankin' new B&N this morning and this is what I found:

High prices: Obviously. It is Barnes and Noble. But that's okay-- I'm not buying anything.

Bad Coffee: That is subjective. I like it, but most people seem to dislike it.

Creepy people: Yes. And that's saying a lot, since the only people there were the employees.
Free Wireless Internet: Sadly, pathetically, No.

That's right. In this day and age, a solid 15 years after the dawn of the information superhighway, B&N expects me to plunk down $3.95 for a measly 2 hours of internet service. When reached for a comment, a spokesperson for B&N had this to say, "Internet? What the fuck is the internet?"

So, there I sat, stewing over the fact that I couldn't flit compulsively between checking my gmail and facebook accounts. What do they expect me to do, actually write? And it was at this time that something else dawned on me about B&N, and more specifically, their coffee.

It seems that, in conjunction with the tree bark-like fiber cereal that I usually eat, their coffee was just the free radical necessary to create something of a gastrointestinal perfect storm. I became acutely aware that my toukis was now a powder keg, apt to be set off by even the slightest upsetment. Which brings me to my next, and final, gripe. The store has one-- count 'em-- one bathroom stall. Sure, they have plenty of urinals, but that was of little consolation to me and my spasming stomach. So, then I had to... you know-- I'll stop there. I think you get the idea.

Anyhow, I suppose I am happy to have a book store relatively close. After all, I was beginning to suspect that the people of Northeast Philadelphia had given up on books completely without telling me. And as for the coffee, I don't mind it. Sure, I'd rather have a cozy, personal coffee shop, but with a Dunkin' Donuts now on every corner-- not to mention Wawa-- a real coffee shop is just a pipe dream.

So, my friends, if you find yourself headed to a B&N anytime soon, try to keep in mind what I've tried to pass on today-- Prices high, Coffee strong, People weird, Internet MIA and Toilets few. So, y'know... Immodium recommended.

Cheers.