Review: "Hotel Chevalier"

After Wes Anderson's last film, The Life Aquatic, I had begun to lose faith in him as a director. His idiosynchratic style and musical cues had lost their novelty and the film wasn't much more than a group of eccentric caricatures thrown together on a boat. However, if his latest release, Hotel Chevalier, is any indication of what's in store for his forthcoming The Darjeeling Limited, consider me enthused.

Hotel Chevalier is a 13 minute short film that serves
as a precursor to the new film. It looks as though Anderson has returned to the powerful, if melancholy tone that is always present in the undercurrent of his films. While he may look silly, Jason Schwartzman does a good job of not making his whole character a visual joke. And Natalie Portman is unbelieveably appealing, moreso than she has ever been on film. In reality, not much happens in the film, yet I found it completely engrossing. Reminiscent of something out of the French New Wave (then again, it is Wes Anderson), the time spent in room 403 was certainly not time wasted. It was just enough to whet the appetite of a teetering Wes Anderson fan and push me into the group who will be there for Darjeeling on opening weekend.

The film is currently available as a free download on iTunes, and is something I actually would have paid for. Here's to high hopes for The Darjeeling Limited.

Score: 5 out of 5

First Impression: Halo 3

I don't normally see myself as someone who can satisfactorily review a video game. I play them when I get a chance and I enjoy them, for sure. But to rate the merits of a game? I just feel like my likes/dislikes are very different than that of today's gamers. For instance, signing on XBOX Live to play Halo 3 only to be called a noob and be raped by much better gamers? Not my idea of fun. I play games like Halo 3 much more for the campaign, or single-player experience. Unfortunately, most games today are made with only the online gamer in mind. I'm happy to say that Halo 3 is not one of these games. I like it. I like it a lot.

One of my main gripes with sequels to really good video games is that they tend to want to fix what isn't broken. The basic gameplay is where the Halo franchise has always been strongest, and I'm glad to say, the core gameplay stays intact in the third game. The only changes made to the game are beneficial ones, like better weapons and more varied enemies. Also, the environment is much larger and more interactive in this next-gen iteration of the Halo series. Things like crates and objects that were stationery tableau in the first two games are now able to be moved and utilized to your advantage.

I have to mention that this game, especially in some of the enemy character models and one new weapon in particular, looks to have been inspired in some way by another uber-successful game. *cough-Gears-cough* But hey, that is fine. All great artists steal from other art, and video games are no different, I suppose.

All in all, this is exactly what I wanted Halo 3 to be. It stays great where it has always been great, and improves only upon things that deserved an upgrade. Kudos, Bungie.

Score: 5 out of 5

Is there even an envelope left to push?

So this is the image I have seen 6 or 7 times today. It's for the movie "The Heartbreak Kid" and it seemed like every Septa bus I saw today had this poster plastered in its side. The fact that Ben Stiller is starring in yet another shitty romantic comedy is not what bothered me. It's the fact that the poster says "Love Blows". Are we really at the point where the ad campaign of a major motion picture is hinged upon such an immature, lowest common denominator, sexual innuendo? This is not the only film to use such infantile tactics. Here's a few other low-brow yuk fests:

1.) Meet the Parents/Meet the Fockers- One of the main, running jokes in this film is that the lead character's last name sounds like the word "fucker". Well, Bravo Gregg Glienna & Mary Ruth Clarke. You really hit the comedic motherload in naming that character. Who was your co-writer, a third grade playground bully? Gaylord Focker, referred to in the first film as Gay Focker. Let me emphasize that the gist of that "joke" is his name sounds like "Gay Fucker". Is there even a punchline? That one really bridged the gap between liberal Hollywood and close-minded homophobes. "Dude, his name is Gay Fucker! That's so messed up!" Indeed it is. I think I'll write a bland Rom-Com and name my main character Penis Fart Poop Head. Is that all it takes to pass for comedy these days?

2.) Mr. Woodcock- So in the title alone, there are two euphamisms for penises. And on top of that, Billy Bob is holding two basketballs over his crotch to signify, I suppose, his grossly oversized, swollen testicles? I mean just when you think you've seen the worst Hollywood has to offer, they out-do themselves. I guess they just assume dimwitted movie patrons will chuckle like Peter Griffin at the title and mindlessly fork over money to see this piece of shit. You know, there is a reason this film was held up by the studio from being released for over a year- because it was so awful. That 15 million total gross was well worth the 20+ million it took to make this one, huh?

3.) Balls of Fury- So, here we have another penis-laden title. And yet another testicular mock-up using sporting equipment. Hollywood is just rife with originality. This one looks like the one sports-related spoof that Will Ferrell turned down. On top of that, it's further proof that Christopher Walken will say yes to any piece of shit script that falls in his lap. This one isn't even worth it. If you pay to see it, I hope you choke on your goobers.

In conclusion, I hope I'm not coming across as a prude, becuse I'm really not. I simply find this type of childish marketing offensive. Honestly, what must these advertising agencies think of the movie-going public? Apparently their consensus is that the penis is the pinnacle of American comedy and we just can't get enough of it.

Review: Rob Zombie's "Halloween"

Remaking any movie, especially a movie as revered as John Carpenter's "Halloween" is risky business. If you stay too true to the original people will fault you for not adding anything to the story. However, if you stray too far from the original you will be crucified for ruining a classic film. What all of this boils down to is, your better off not remaking such a classic film, regardless of how you go about it.

Rob Zombie's previous 2 films were very polarizing. They are dirty, gory, in your face terror films revolving around a family of lunatic mass murderers. That may sound like the kind of director who would do "Halloween" justice, but Zombie's particular brand of filmmaking doesn't do much to distinguish his films from one another. In short: all of his movie are kind of the same schtick. Here is the formula...

White trash + Lots of cursing - subtlety - a good script = A Rob Zombie Film

Now I freely admit that his first two films have grown on me, though only after a few viewing of each. This third one, though, has tread upon hallowed ground. We are talking Michael Myers, here. I simply cannot go along with his vison for this film. Michael Myers is not 7 foot 5... he just isn't. The acting was especially bad (Young Micheal Myers, played by Daeg Farch, was unforgivable.) I think that this one should have been left alone as the greatest horror film of all time for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that Zombie's movie holds not one single scary moment.

Will I see another Rob Zombie film? Yes. Do I have expectations that he will ever make a truly great film? No. His reputation and Rock Star frame of mind taints his filmmaking to such a degree that by it's very nature his work is tantamount to a rock video. Given his inclination toward fucked up families and gore, a more fitting remake for Zombie would have been Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's also worth mentioning that his constant use of horror icons in cameo roles has grown tired and distracting. Maybe if he would focus on getting better actors and not paying so much homage to older films, the quality of his own films will go up. Here's hoping.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Review: "Superbad"

** While this review contains no spoilers, it will be much better recieved if you have seen the movie.**

"Superbad" had a lot going for it in my book. It's about high school, it's from the camp of Judd Apatow, and it's got Michael Cena, one of the best parts of "Arrested Development." I'm not sure what I was expecting from this movie, but it didn't quite give me all that I wanted.

First off, it was confusing to me what decade the movie took place in. By the title, soundtrack and even some of the wardrobe it seems like the 70's- So much so, that I am willing to bet that at least one iteration of the script was based in the 70's, before the studio decided it would reach a broader audience if it were contemporary. The only real giveaway that it was set today is the use of cell phones.

Secondly, there were a few elements of the story that either didn't add up or had no payoff. Case in point: In the beginning of the film, there is a sort of bully set up for Seth (Jonah Hill), but as quickly as he is introduced, he's gone. The only slight payoff to the character comes late in the third act, most defnitely as an afterthought.
There are a few parts of the movie that seem to be set-pieces (think the "period" scene) that really didn't end up being as funny as I had hoped. Also, neither of the film's protagonist are portrayed as being stupid, so when Seth empties beer into laundry detergent bottles to bring them to a party, I couldn't help but lean to my buddy and wonder, "Now why would he do something so dumb?." Petty as they may be, these are the things that crept into my head on the ride home after the movie.

Having said all that, the movie was damn funny. More than that, it had a really nice character arc for the two main characters. For anyone who has ever awkwardly broached the topic of going to different colleges with your best friend, you'll immediately identify with the emotional heart of the film.

Overall, I did like the movie. Much like "The 40 Year Old Virgin", I think this one will get better with each subsequent viewing. While the term "Instant Classic" seems to be bandied about a little too loosely these days, this film may have potential- but I believe any movie should be out for at least 5 years before the word "classic" is ever applied to it.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5

DVD Review: "Vacancy"

I'm a fan of horror films. I will admittedly watch pretty much anything that comes out that looks remotely scary. When I saw the previews for "Vacancy" I was defnitely intrigued. Then the reviews started coming in and they were actually good reviews, considering the treatment horror movies usually get by critics. Now, it's out on DVD, and I was expecting a pretty damn scary thriller- I never quite saw this one as a "horror" movie. What I got left much to be desired.

It starts with a hackneyed plot about two unhappily married people (Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale) whose car breaks down and they end up at a creepy motel. Both characters are utter cardboard, with just plain awful dialogue. These early dialogue-heavy scenes sound like they were written by a college freshman- they give no depth or reality to the characters or their situation at all. Tack on an overly emotional back-story, and an unbelievably contrived ending and you've got "Vacancy."

I really can't stand when I 'm watching a movie and I can picture in my head it being pitched as two other movies put together. "Vacancy" seems like some writer thought, "It'll be like Psycho meets Hostel" Problem is, they've been done before, better, and so has just about everything in this movie. Sure, there were a few moments of intensity, but none that weren't given away in the trailer. Also, there are no real peripheral characters - just the couple and the bad guys. That doesn't leave much room for suspense.

Overall, this movie just didn't do it for me. It seemed like a paycheck movie for both Wilson and Beckinsale. Though, I guess it's worth a rental, if you put no credence into other people's reviews, like me.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5

Bonus- The director of this movie's name is Nimrod Antal... Nimrod.

5 movies that are grossly overrated

While I won't call this the "top 5" most overrated movies, these movies are certainly in the running. There are films that, for some reason, are just given a pass and what's more- they've gone on to become classics! Well, listed here are, in no particular order, 5 movies that need to be re-evaluated by society at-large because they are given just too much damn credit. Bear with me, this may be a rant...



1.) Scarface- Okay, now I know it's "cool" to like scarface. Every rapper has the posters, shirts, video games, etc. What I'm talking about is the film. As a film it is just not that good. As a matter of fact, I doubt all of the people wearing the shirts and hanging the posters have ever even sat through the entire film. They've heard "Say hello to my little friend" and "Cock-a-roach" enough times that they assume the movie is awesome. Ultimately it's the character of Tony Montana that is memorable, the rest of the film is downright forgettable.



2.) Ferris Bueller's Day Off- I'll admit it, I hate this movie. Comedy Central and TBS have both played it over and over until even the sight of it annoys me. It's just this generation's fascination with 80's nostalgia that has made this a "classic." Here is what I see when I look at this movie- Matthew Broderick is a jerk, his buddy with the Red Wings jersey is a crybaby and Jeffrey Jones (the Principal) is a pedophile. And the worst part of it all is that horrible sing-along at the end. Awful. Just awful.



3.) Boondock Saints- You know what, Troy Duffy? I saw Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, True Romance and whole host of other terrific indie crime films in the 90's. I'm guessing you did too, becuse you stole the best parts out of all of them and made a piecemeal, horseshit excuse for a film. If anyone is so inclined and would like to see a good film involving Mr. Duffy, rent "Overnight."



4.) Anchorman- This is another victim of the current "Random = Funny" phenomenon that has saturated the comedy marketplace, especially in anything involving Will Ferrell. A perfect example is the line- "San Diego. I believe it means Whale's Vagina." Is that funny? Really? And if so, can you tell me why, without using the words "random" or "out of nowhere"? I don't think you can. I don't want to have to force myself to laugh at a comedy because everyone else is. It just shouldn't be that hard.



5.) The Shawshank Redemption- That's right, I said it. "The Shawshank Redemption" is not nearly as good as it gets credit for being. It's a pretty good movie. Hell- it's a great movie! But ask 25 people on the street what there favorite movie is and I bet 15 of them give this as their answer. It's just too easy. Not to mention the script has voiceover throughout the entire story- come on, that's just cheating. It's number 2 on the top 250 list on IMDB, way ahead of films like "The Maltese Falcon", "Citizen Kane" and "The Third Man". Now that's just bush. It's bush-league.

Honorable Mention



The Usual Suspects- I included this one because anyone who tells you it's really good has probably only seen it one time. If you watch it a second time, knowing the big surprise ending, it simply isn't that entertaining.

DVD Review: "Jonestown: The Life and Death of the People's Temple"

Before viewing this film, I had a very limited idea of who Jim Jones was and what the People's Temple was all about. Like many people my age, my knowledge of this topic was limited to the off-hand way people, often in political banter, refer to people of opposing views as "Kool-Aid drinkers." I knew that Jim Jones was a cult leader, and he had something to do with a group of people who'd killed themselves by drinking poison kool-aid, but that's about it. What I wanted to know was who were the members of this cult, and what could make them all commit suicide at the whim of one man?

"Jonestown" was an intriguing look into the rise of the People's Temple leader Jim Jones from a radical preacher who extolled the virtues of racial harmony, to his descent into the depraved, paranoid megalomaniac he was when he died. Interviews with former People's Temple members, some of whom escaped from Jonestown on that final day, were particularly interesting because they allowed us to see how one might become interested in what the People's Temple had to offer. Racial harmony, acceptance, love... these are things everybody wants, and that is what Jim Jones promised them. Also, newly released footage of a U.S. Congressman's contentious visit to Jonestown was utterly surrealistic and terrifying. While watching this film, it's hard for it not to draw comparisons it to other similar groups such as David Koresh and his Branch Dividians, and the Heaven's Gate cult, though the People's Temple went as far as to abandon the United States for Guyana (the location of Jonestown) to maintain their privacy.

This film is part of the PBS "American Experience", a series of films that, thus far, have not let me down. They are always engaging and well-made, and this film is no exception. The footage from the last day at Jonestown, especially the audio of Jones's last "sermon", was a haunting experience that no viewer will not soon forget. I recommend it highly and I defy you to find any action movie out there today that has as much suspense and drama as just the last 30 minutes of this film.

Score: 4.5 out of 5

Classic Movie Review: "Mr. Boogedy"

This week I decided to go really old school and review a long lost piece of my childhood nostalgia. I'm doing this in an effort to ward off such abominations as "Drake & Josh", "That's so Raven" and "The Suite life of Zach & Cody" from ruining the minds of my neices and nephew. I've made each night that I babysit them "Movie Night" I've shown them gems such as "Labyrinth", "Monster Squad", and "Adventures in babysitting", all to their genuine delight. They're simply not used to decent children's entertainment because of the shit that saturates today's market. So, after digging up my ancient, taped-from-tv copy of "Mr. Boogedy" I decided to give it a viewing, just to make sure it was okay for them. I mean, have you looked at the picture on the cover of this film? Mr. Boogedy is a pretty goddamn scary guy for a kid's movie.

Moving on, the basic storyline is about a man (Richard Masur) who moves his family into a home in a small New England town, not knowing that he got such a good deal on the house because of it's ancient, haunted history. They're met in their new home by the town's chief historian (John Astin), who warns them to vacate the house. The father of the family, who runs a practical joke store "Gags-r-us", simply does not take these warnings (or anything in his entire life, apparently) seriously. Needless to say, Mr. Boogedy does indeed haunt them in the house, and Disney, family friendly, pseudo-horror ensues.

This movie has 2 genuinely creepy aspects. One, the fact that Mr. Boogedy looks like a mix between Freddy Kreuger and and Slimer from "Ghostbusters". Seriously, look at him...

I mean, Jesus Christ. That's enough to make any kid drop a boogedy in his undies. It's surprising that for a Disney movie they would come up with such a truly scary villain.

The second creepy aspect of this film is the way they describe the genesis of Mr. Boogedy. He was a man who lived in the time of the Pilgrims, and enjoyed scaring children in his village and committing other devious deeds. What got to me about this is that it is told in a sort of tableau style stage-play, somewhat reminiscent of German expressionist films like "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari". Now, maybe that's looking a bit into it, but that's what it looks like. Anyway, He sells his soul to the devil to get the woman he wants and ends up becoming Mr. Boogedy. Keep in mind, this was a Sunday Night Diney TV movie, so the story is not exactly of the highest caliber.

Surprisingly, this film has a somewhat large fan base. In the age of DVD that we live in it's surprising that this hasn't been released yet, when every other piece of garbage that has ever been produced seems to be available. In my opinion, the greatest strength of this movie is the nostalgia factor for people who remember it from their childhood. Let's face it, there is a huge market for 80's kitsch, and this movie fits nicely into that category. And it scores bonus 1980's points because the older son in this film is none other than David Faustino, "Married...with children's" Bud Bundy.

So, will this movie make into one of my "Movie Nights" when I babysit? Sure. Anything is better than sitting through another episode of "Hannah Montana". Will my neices and nephew, or any kids today like "Mr. Boogedy"? I'm not so sure. The viewing experience is definitely enhanced by having actually lived through the eighties, a time when there was no CGI and we happily accepted shit special effects. All the same, it's a quirky, spooky movie that should at the very least be replayed each year near Halloween.

My score: 3.5 out of 5

True Score: 2 out of 5

The decline of clever Church marquees

I've always gotten a good chuckle out of the semi-clever sayings that Churches tack up on their marquees for passers by. Some of my favorites have been, "Come on in, it's heir conditioned!" Get it... air/heir conditioned. Okay, how about "CHCH- What's missing? UR!" You have to admit, that's clever. So, anyway I was driving by a local Presbyterean Church the other day and on their marquee it says, "When God gives you lemons, just make Grace juice." I don't know who they have coming up with these things in the Presyterean circuit, but Shel Silverstein they are not. Grace juice? I don't know... the lack of coherence in that Church advertisement just really pissed me off. Come up with something better... Gracerade, maybe, like Gatorade? Needless to say, if this trend keeps up I'll no longer be glancing toward Church as I drive right past it. After all, if their not going to put in the effort, why should I?